In Pascal’s wager, we are given a mathematical supposition on how we should approach the subject of God and whether or not we have an eternal spirit living inside of us. IF there is a God/THEN we should…
I think the idea came from a good place in the mathematicians’ heart, but just like every other religious approach, it is completely devoid of power and bereft of life…but it is an interesting question.
It’s painful to write this out because I’m eager to get to the point, but the groundwork must be done, the foundation of the argument must be laid if we are to have a point of reason in the discussion of whether or not we are eternal beings.
That’s just it though, isn’t it? How can we have a rational conversation about something that is so far beyond our understanding, when, we can’t even remain objective when it comes to things that we understand fully? Things like, should we keep on burning oil as if it is an inexhaustible resource? We already know what the future holds on that topic and yet we argue and piss and moan and yes, even fight wars over it.
Unreasonable we are.
We pollute our own drinking water, we throw garbage in the same ocean that we eat out of, pour toxins into the air, let people go hungry and sick, treat a man different because of the color of his skin, we glamourize bad behavior and then applaud it with our money. There is no place on earth, nor period of time where mankind’s arrogance and subjection to his own pride is not demonstrated to his own embarrassment. From Top to bottom, north to south, and east to west.
Unreasonable we are.
That’s why I say that Pascal’s wager is errant, because of its inability to take into consideration two things. 1) What it truly means that we are fallen man, and 2) what it really means that he is a holy God. So, after all these years of being rejected by God because I was trying to approach him through religion, a method that he has stated over and over again as being unacceptable, I find myself tasked with starting all over again, and it’s about as easy as being born all over again, being 6 feet, 220 lbs. Usually the best place to start is at the beginning, so let’s begin.
Question #1) is there a God.
A Christian might read that and perhaps feel that the writer is a blasphemous believer or a godless heathen. I’m neither. I read the writing of Isaiah where God is speaking to the people through the prophet saying “come now, and reason with me, even though your sins make you filthy.” I interpret that as God giving us an open invitation. He isn’t saying he has any interest in what we have to say, as indicated in the second part of the verse, he is saying that it is ok to approach him with our questions, doubts and our fears, and that he will satisfy our demands so long as we remain reasonable. He is saying that he will demonstrate his strength and protection as an answer to our fear if we bring it to him courageously. That he will give us the truth in place of our doubts as long as we come to him in certainty, and that he will answer our questions as long as we are truly seeking the answer. For example, there is a world of difference between saying “WELL! If there is a loving god, then why does/did X happen??? See, that’s not a question, it’s a statement made in an already formed certainty and therefor the asker cannot be reasoned with, as they have so obviously made up their mind before they asked.
I believe that God is saying “come, and ask your questions about why nations starve from famine and drought, and why babies get AIDS and why you yourself had to go through whatever you had to go through. If you ask with an expectation of actually being answered, and being brought into the light, or in other words, keep your mind open to reason, then you will have your answer, and it will satisfy because you will get it sitting across the table from the most High God.
So if you are reading this, know this, that I am not ashamed or embarrassed to ask God if he exists. On the contrary, I’m excited to ask. Mankind has been asking that question for six thousand years. Billions of people have asked, so I am supremely confident that the almighty isn’t getting into a twist over my clumsy attempts to come into the light. If/then
If there is a God/ then only he can cause me to be sure
If there is a God/ then he doesn’t expect me to be on the same level as he is.
If there is a God, then only he can open my ears to hear reason.
I believe that God exists, and I also believe that he doesn’t expect me to be able to see things from his perspective, but he can see mine. I believe that he is prompting me to start the conversation from the beginning by asking myself, do I believe there is a God? If so, why do I believe it? And if the answer is because I always have, or because that’s what I’ve been taught my whole life, then I think that by itself, it’s not a good enough reason. Don’t Buddhists believe what they do for the same reason? Do you think there is a shred of doubt in the mind of a Muslim who lives in the mountains of Afghanistan? These people believe what they do because they always have. I don’t think that it’s a good enough reason when your very soul is on the line. Look at little children who believe in Santa clause, they believe in Santa because the people that they trust the most in the world have given them errant information. If you think that it’s a bad example because of their age and level of innocence then I submit that you think too highly of your own intellectual progress.
Allow me to demonstrate. Catholics, billions of Catholics have and still believe that praying to Mary and the saints, or even angels is righteous. They believe that the pontiff is actually a proxy for Jesus. In fact there is a long list of weird, unscriptural things that they practice and it’s too long for me to write, but they do it because they trust man to answer things that only God can answer. To a protestant, their behavior is bizarre and in opposition to the message of the cross, however, if you go into a Pentecostal church, they will tell you that speaking in tongues is verification of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit…not love, tongues! Baptists will tell you “here, recite these words, take this bath, and then apply for membership, and you will be a part of the family” the list of weird ass religious behavior keeps going all the way down until you get to the newest division in the body. They call themselves anything but a denomination. They even stay away from the term “non-denomination” because that term has turned into a denomination of its own. The new divisions name is “MEGA” or “MULTI”.
These people teach that man’s definition of success and abundance are the same as God’s, even though they read that God came to earth and was poor and homeless during his ministry. Unreasonable. Now look, I’m really not trying to point out how wrong everybody is. I said all that to say this, that if those peoples beliefs are wrong and weird, then doesn’t it stand to reason that I have beliefs that are wrong and weird? Yes, I think it is certain. Are we not all cut from the same cloth? I’m not above it. No one is! If those people can do and say those things and believe that they are being directed by the king of kings when it is so painfully obvious that they are not, then I have to conclude that I cannot and must not trust my own beliefs. What I believe about God is irrelevant. God is the same whether my beliefs about him are right or wrong. How many times in all of our lives have we had our beliefs changed in a moment? A change made/based on new information? I MUST learn to communicate with God on his terms.
I think now that, that is what religion is, an attempt to communicate with God on our own terms. To take something those is so far beyond our comprehension and twist and distort it into the image of corruptible man, or in other words…something that I can understand.
I give up. I surrender! I’ve had it! That’s what this writing is all about. It’s about my surrender. If you are reading this, it is because your life has touched mine and either I knew you would understand it, or because I wanted to convince you that I’m not insane. You probably want me to get to the point as badly as I want to get to it, but keep reading and I promise to bring this thing full circle.
Toward the end of March I will be answering a call that God put on my life about ten years ago. A call to go into the wilderness for an indefinite amount of time. I’m going to be taught how to listen and incline my ear. (Isaiah 55). The reason that I didn’t answer it back then is because I made the mistake of seeking the council of a pastor, who naturally, talked me out of it. “work hard” they say, “find a girl, buy a house, have kids”…”be normal” is what they are saying. Well I’ve made lots of money, I’ve been important, I’ve had beautiful women and through it all I’ve had like a 6th sense… like a doubt eating away at me that perhaps I’ve missed what God has designed me to do. I can’t live like that anymore. I won’t live like that anymore. It seems so clear to me now, I was designed to be in love with the almighty. That’s it. Whatever is beyond that is none of my business. Mine is just to be in love.
Now, I’ve made a few observations about myself, the church, and human behavior that I will be using to illustrate my points. Also, I have seen some things in scripture recently that are contrary to what is being taught in church buildings. I hope that you will be able to see it the way I do, because in these interpretations I see truth’s that have been laying right on top of the page the whole time. I find that Christians are missing lessons because they would rather interpret scripture to suit their own purposes rather than just read the ink on the paper. For example…
Malachi 3;10 says to “bring the whole tithe into the storehouse so that there will be meat/food in my house” it does not, however, say “so there can be good preaching in my house” It says FOOD! Or MEAT depending on what version of the bible you read. As far as expositional constancies goes, the “word” of God is always referred to as “bread” and it doesn’t say that either. It’s about food that can actually be eaten by people who are physically hungry. I challenge you to go to three church buildings in your community and ask to see where they keep the food and if there is any food at all, it will be canned green beans and boxes of mac n’ cheese and little else. Then ask the pastor where the actual food is and you will hear that old familiar sound of hymn and hawing, and you will be given the resume of where they went to seminary, and how dare you question them as everything they do is justified because they are following “God’s call on their life”.
God’s call on their life. Let’s talk about that for a moment shall we? There seems to be a lot of people saying that what they do is Gods call on their life.
Before I begin let me say that I acknowledge that I am not qualified, nor is anyone, to discern what arrangements God has with people on an individual or corporate basis. It’s just that there are some things that just don’t look right to me.
In my city, San Diego, there is a pastor who is a magnificent motivational speaker. He talks a lot about how God’s people ought to have dominion over the earth. He talks about the love of the father and having a heart for the lost. All good, scriptural things. He said to me amongst a group of others that what Jesus talked about the most during his ministry was money. (I’ll circle back to that) This is a man who went to seminary and is preaching to people who are trying to get close to Jesus. When Jesus taught, he spoke exclusively about his fathers’ kingdom and how to gain access to it, and what your life should look like once you’re in it. Jesus used economics as a metaphor about his father’s kingdom quite a bit, but that doesn’t mean he was talking about money. It should come as no surprise that the written vision of that group of believers is to “rise and build” a multi-church.
In my opinion, when you cause people to draw a connection from how well they are imitating Christ to how much God is blessing their finances by telling them that money was the primary concern of God when he walked amongst us, and then distort scripture to back your position…when you lead people to use a worldly abacus to gage your success, and tell people that the confirmation that the spirit of God is in favor of what you are doing, and it will be shown in the number of people who want to join your little society, then I have to judge that those people are being led astray. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that God would much rather prefer the company of one person that has completely submitted, and that he can have his way with, over the company of ten thousand people who listen every Sunday, but don’t hear a word of it. Look, all I’m saying is that if God came and walked amongst us two thousand years ago, then we need to find out exactly what he had to say and follow it. We need to be very careful to not twist it all up. People are literally dying because they are separated from their maker. I think it’s a worse thing if we are the actual cause of that death.
“Well who the hell are you to say that people aren’t hearing or that it’s getting taught wrong?” you ask. Well, a couple things. One, the math tells me. Oh how Christians hate to be confronted with the math. Ok, when the church’s divorce rate is the same as the heathens, it puts you on equal ground as them. When your desires are the same as the worlds, then you are on equal ground as them. When Christians have just as much debt as them…equal ground. You don’t get to be different and enlightened by simply stating that you are. Now look at it, the church is infinitely more concerned with gay marriage than they are with Christian divorce. Really? What do you think God is more concerned with? The Catholic Church is infinitely more concerned with keeping people off of birth control than they are with preventing the molestation of children. People can lie but numbers cannot.
The other thing that tells me that people aren’t hearing is how different people are on Sunday morning than they are on Friday night. Again, I’m in no position to judge, but it sure doesn’t look like God is having his way with most people. I see Christians chasing money and status, chasing the world’s pleasures and doing it un-repentantly. What I don’t see is love going out to the dirty and smelly, the desperate and heartbroken, I don’t see the rescue of the lonely and disenfranchised.
I see lots of love in the many circles of friends, and that’s good and all…it’s just not impressive. Anyone can do that. You don’t need to go to God to do that. Even the atheists’ demonstrate that kind of love. It’s not evil, it’s just self-serving. The book I read says to love your enemy. Who can say that they are doing that? I sure can’t.
Then it gets deeper. Love your neighbor, wife, orphans and widows. We are commanded to do this. Then we read that if you don’t know love, then you don’t know God. That’s a crazy thought. This is where I start to tie it all together. You see, where millions of Christians read that passage and start getting the fuzzy-wuzzy feels good feelings, I myself get scared to death! I don’t love people; in fact I can’t stand them. People represent nothing but a future disappointment and heartbreak to me. That means I don’t know God! This is where the fear and trembling comes in for me. Furthermore, the scripture is clear that it is impossible for me to love people the way God would have me do it and that I am therefore doomed. It says that the only thing that can save me is if God dwells inside of me, and uses me as a conduit and he himself loves people through me. What will I do if God doesn’t teach me how to surrender? What would be the point of living out the rest of my life if God will not teach me how to listen closely to his voice? I will cry out to him that he will have mercy on me. I pray that I could hear his voice and that he would tell me if I can be rescued or if I have pushed it too far. I go to the wilderness because I must learn to hear him. I must. If there is a God/ then there can be no pursuit that compares to being together with him. That’s it! It’s just Jesus. Whatever happens to me as a result of that pursuit is his business. I don’t have to be concerned with what occupation to succeed in for money. God will tell me what to do at the right time. It’s his business, mine is to submit. I don’t have to worry about if I’ll ever get married and have kids. If my life becomes a plaything for the almighty’s good pleasure, then anything he gives me will be an act of his pleasure, and therefore be awesome! So again, mine is just to be a pleasing son/bride to him, and anything that goes beyond that is his business.
I have become certain that if I knew that God is with me…not just believe it, but know it, that it wouldn’t matter if I was a CEO of a fortune 500 company, or rotting away in an Egyptian prison, each would render the same ecstasy of his presence. Even if I die in the wilderness in the pursuit of him, then fine, that’s his business and either way, I WIN!
I have people preaching at me “you can get to know God right here” and I’m sure that’s true for most people, but I tell you that everything is a distraction to me. Being around other people and living in a city is just a constant reminder of all the things that I need to acquire to be a productive member of society. I’ve done it already and I tell you, I have had successful careers blow right up in my face in such magical ways that you too would have to conclude that it must have been God doing it. I’ve had years of earning six figures. I never got fired or anything like that. I mean to tell you that my career was ripped from my hands in super natural ways, and more than once. I know that it is the height of arrogance to think that those awful things happened just because I was there and God was trying to communicate with me, but hey, it seems to be a lot more than just coincidence.
So I am resolved to find out from the voice of God, who I am and what he expects from me. To be healed of my spiritual deafness and blindness. There are too many passages of scripture where it is God speaking about what we are to him and what kind of relationship he wants from us and with us. As it goes, he calls us sons and daughters, royal priests, bride, joint heirs and he calls us “my people”.
There is a lot of language in the cannon that is extremely intimate. So intimate in fact that if you actually preached on it, you would never be invited back to speak. For example, God say’s that he wants to have us “in his chambers!” has anyone other than me ever thought about what that actually means??? I can’t write it out because it would go from being beautiful to almost filthy talk. God says he wants to “know” us. We all know what that word “know” means and yet people still refuse to put two and two together. It says that we are the “bride” of the Christ! Here let me elaborate. If you are a married man, let me ask you this. On your wedding day, what were you thinking about the most? Don’t answer, I already know…it was a loaded question. Sorry, I know that’s poor etiquette.
While the bride was thinking about the families and guests, the food and the cake and the content of the pretty packages, the groom was thinking about just one thing, and it wasn’t any of those other things. God says he wants to be with us, in love with us, one with us. Though my articulation may be bizarre, I defy you to prove me wrong.
If God is love/ then I want to be in love….forever
Now let’s talk about love for a moment. My Christian brothers, the ones that I know that are truly seeking the lord, always attack me when I do this, so get ready cuz here it comes. When I read the bible I see things that are simultaneously literal and metaphor. Moses’s rock for example. A rock that was meant to be struck once, and then spoken to for the rest of the time for the purpose of getting water. I believe that it actually happened, but also, that was Jesus as the rock. Literal and metaphor. The travels and troubles of Adam and eve, the story of Abraham down to joseph, 3500 years of authorship literally happened, and was metaphor for things to come. So I am convinced that the things we experience as humans are metaphors of the spirit.
Take love for example. Have you ever been in love? It’s fantastic! Magnificent! And it changes you. When I was in love, she was all I could think about. All I wanted to do was be with her, near her. Hear the sound of her voice and feel her hand in mine. I wanted to smell her hair and look into her eyes. Man I tell you, at that time I learned what it was that I was put on this earth to do…LOVE! I couldn’t stop! My friends started complaining and treating me different but I didn’t care, I hardly even noticed. It was all about her and it went on for years! When I spoke to her, magical things came out. My imagination was in overdrive and I came up with miraculous ways to demonstrate my love for her…and it was automatic.
My conclusion is this. The reason that we have this inner dialogue saying “this is it!” “This is the state that I was meant to live in for all of my days” is simple. It’s because it is. We were designed for love, to give and receive it.
People who have kids talk about their love being expanded even further, overwhelmingly so. The power of love in that place is so profound that it brings a new understanding about life itself. I think that God gives us unlimited access to these samples of his love for us because any race, religion or creed experiences it, but they are just samples…metaphors if you will. A way of God saying to us that “yes, you are meant for this, and so much more”
I believe that God is looking for a people who will be in love with him. A people who will let him have his holy way with. A people who just can’t stand to be away from him, who can’t shut up about him. Have you ever been around someone who is in love before? Geez they are annoying! All they talk about is the one they are in love with. They are weird, or in bible speak…”foolish”. Jesus even warned us saying “man, I’m telling you, if you fall in love with me and people won’t like you, and if you don’t believe me, just look at how they treated me.” His own half-brothers thought he was off his rocker. I see now that that’s what love does, it makes you different, and even though it is magnificent, fantastical, incredible, amazing and all together wonderful, it is going to make you different than almost everyone. Then the planet becomes an obstacle course to negotiate and find others who are in love as well. I will find this God who is love, I will cry out to him until he answers and I will make my life all about him. My endeavors will be to please him and he will guide me with just the look in his eye. I will see it because my eyes will be fixed on his face. Then I won’t have to worry about which church is full of crap and which isn’t. He will tell me where to go and what to do when I get there and I will do it because it pleases him, not other people and not me. God is calling me and I want to be chosen. I say yes! I will love you back if you show me how. I am weak, blind and filthy. I need to be rescued, healed and cleaned. I will answer the call.
Hosea 2 and Ezekiel 34 are two passages that God gave me. I believe that I am called to the wilderness, but not forever.
Here’s what’s funny, Christians always refer to “the wilderness” like it’s a bad thing. You talk to people who are feeling down and ask them “how ya doing?”…”oh God’s just taking me through the wilderness don’t ya know” that’s just like modern day Christians to say empty, meaningless crap like that.
Look what God said to pharaoh. “Let my people go so that they can come to the wilderness and have a feast with me”. A feast with GOD!!! How is the wilderness a bad thing? And do you know what the feast was? It wasn’t the manna, it was his voice. Look at Deuteronomy chapter 8. God says “I dragged you through the desert out of love! I wanted you to learn to hear my voice, and to show you what was in your own heart.” I don’t know what other people are reading there, but what I’m reading describes a lovely and safe place. I’M IN! I’m going and nothing can stop me. Look at Hosea 2 “I will allure her to the wilderness and there I will speak kindly to her. I will teach her to sing to me! I will take her through the valley of sorrow! Give her a vineyard! There she will no longer call me master, but instead she will call me Ishi!”
Man I’m in! I will go to the wilderness and learn about God, from God. I will not return until he tells me to return, but more importantly, until he tells me that he is pleased with me. I will not conform to religion; instead, I will worship him. I will not assimilate to the goings on of so called “church culture”, I will be guided to those who are in love with him and we will praise his name together. I will not submit myself to man’s theology or theocracy, I will submit myself to the advances of my glorious YHWH, to his majesty, the all-powerful creator of the vast expanse of the universe and the giver of life! My Ishi, if he will have me.
I go because I am certain that there is a God and my ability to hear him is in bad shape. I am certain that if he will still love me, then there is nothing else in this world that can be obtained that even compares to the importance of having an intimate relationship with the God of the heavens’ and earth. If his voice is so powerful that it created the universe when he spoke, then what would happen if he spoke to me?
If the bible is true, then this mind-bogglingly awesome God has gone through a lot of trouble to break through to me and have a clear connection…but it comes down to sovereignty.
This is where I draw even more dirty looks from Christians who, of course, have it all figured out. I am fully aware that the bible says that only God is sovereign, but I think it means that only God possesses true sovereignty. What is sovereignty? Is it not the ability to do whatever the hell you want whenever the hell you want to? And is that sovereignty only as effective as your measure of power and authority? So, yes, I concur with scripture, only God has every resource in the universe at his disposal, and can wield them at his discretion. He is free to demonstrate his will using anything he wants at any time. Free will is only as effective as your measure of power and authority. God granted us free will/sovereignty on a limited basis.
For example, I am a US citizen. My Government refers to me as a “sovereign citizen.” I am free to pursue any endeavor that I want as long as it’s legal. (Limited sovereignty) I am free to own weapons and form my own army if I want to. I could go on and on about how much power I was given at birth, being born into the wealthiest region, in the strongest country in the history of the world, however, I do not have the power to pardon a man on death row, but there are citizens who can. They are no more American than I am, they just have more power and authority and are therefore, more sovereign than I am. Enough of that, the point is that God granted us sovereignty. Not angels, not demons, not the cherub formerly known as Lucifer, not animals either. There are only two beings that possess sovereignty…us and God…but our power and authority on a scale is infinitely smaller than his. We were given this free will (I think) so that we can please God with it. If I want to ignore God, I can. If I want to worship Buddha, hey guess what, I can do whatever I want. But, if I chose to see God, hear him, pursue him, then it is a combination of his call on my life, and my choice to answer it. Kinda like Matthew sitting at his tax table.
Now, most importantly, this choice that I’m talking about is the choice to surrender. There are two kingdoms discussed in the bible. The kingdom of heaven, which of course is ruled my God, and the kingdom of darkness which is ruled by man. (Contrary to popular belief.)
God calls us to surrender. God says that he is not our enemy, but that we are his enemy. The bible talks about a war between us. Isaiah 57 shows God calling out “Peace! Peace to you who is far away” this is what I think of when I read that passage…
I read this in a Christian book, so it must be true right? JK. Anyway, the US had just dropped two big ass bombs on Japan. General MacArthur sent a declaration of peace to the emperor. It was an invitation to meet on the deck of the USS Missouri and negotiate the terms of surrender with an order to immediately disarm on a nationwide scale. The emperor immediately and fully complied, and then flew out to the ship. There was a big table on the flight deck, and a huge document outlining all of the terms of surrender, dictated by the administration of the president of the United States. It’s important that as you read this that you understand that the terms of surrender are always dictated by the victor, and not the subdued.
Anyhoo, there’s the emperor on one side of the table, with his entourage, in full empirical parade dress, and on the other side was MacArthur and his entourage. Shockingly, MacArthur sternly and scoldingly said to the emperor “there will be no peace until you disarm.” The emperor didn’t know what to do! Perhaps there was a mis-translation? Perhaps the Americans were about to take advantage of their crippled state. They had disarmed just as they were told to do. The emperors’ entourage was in a buzz trying to figure out what was going wrong!
As the Emperor looked to the general with a baffled look in his eyes, the General looked back at him, and pointed his finger to the emperors’ waistline… a sabre hung from the emperors’ sache.
The emperor removed his weaponry, and placed it on the table right in front of the mighty General. MacArthur extended his hand and as the emperor shook it, the General said “welcome to the peace and protection of the United States of America!”
Sometimes I think that we approach God and we’ve been fighting for so long that our weaponry has become such a part of us that we don’t even realize that we are still carrying it. We/I do that with religion. “ I want you to be this way, I want you to do this and that for me…I want to worship you in this fashion.” Then we have the audacity to stand in church and sing (in an old lady hymnal sing song voice) I SURRENDER ALL! Yea right! I need to surrender like my life depends on it because it does! In Isaiah 55 God says “listen like your life depends on it! Fear and trembling, FEAR AND TREMBLING! I need to disarm and take advantage of God’s declaration of peace. Guess what he says right after he says peace! Peace to you…he says “healing to him who draws near.” SURRENDER! Read the terms of surrender, sign it, enter into the peace, come closer and I will heal you of all the battle wounds that I have exacted on you!” says the lord.
Read it for yourself. IS. 57 “I am the high and lofty. I am holy, and do you wanna know who I’m hanging out with? I’m here with those who have come to an end of themselves and have so totally had it, that they are on the floor in front of me, laying there about to die and now they are surrendered and asking me for their very life…and how did they get to this humbled state of being? Well, I was angry and I struck them just as I strike you now. I am angry that you went about your way just doing whatever the hell you wanted, so let me tell you how this is going to play out…you are going to lose, and I’m going to lose twice because you are going to die and that soul that I worked so hard on is going to be lost! The whole Pete Dobson experiment will be scrapped and I have put so much work into insuring that you receive life, and that the life would be magnificent! So if you die we both lose the body that I constructed, and then I also lose your soul and don’t even get me started on how much hard work that took!...and for what? FOR WHAT!!! Because you wouldn’t use that sovereignty I gave you to decide to accept my declaration of peace?
I still see you and I will still heal you. I will not only make you comfortable, I will give you many things for your comfort and enjoyment. I will even comfort those who have mourned for you. I will open your lips to declare praise, so once again…PEACE, PEACE to you, come near and I will heal you, but if you want to keep chasing money, keep chasing the acceptance of man, keep obeying the demands of your libido outside of my rules, keep doing that and there will be no peace. THERE WILL BE NO PEACE UNTIL YOU SURRENDER!” un-quote (I was paraphrasing of course)
I tell you I SURRENDER! This war has gone on too long. I learned to love God between the ages of 2-5. It was the late 70’s and there was an outpouring of the Holy Spirit. As I reflect, it was like being born into a spring shower on a sunny day. God was beautiful to me, and I was beautiful to him. From 5-11 I learned to be intimidated and fearful…I learned the power of anger. Fast-forward to 2006 in a final and powerful insult from the ones who call themselves “God’s people” I shook my fist and said out loud “ I will never trust your people again” I blasphemed and made a conscience decision to go deeper into the darkness. It was like being naked in the cold. Like breathing the air next to a paper plant. I could literally feel the darkness in my nostrils and burning in my lungs. It was all around me. I met hopelessness. I’m not sure if it is a demon or a principal, but whatever it is, I got really close to it.
My war with God resulted in two herniated discs and a shattered knee. It sounds funny I know, but if I told you the whole story, trust me, you would know that it was God’s love that had injured me. Violating God’s way is to attack his kingdom. My violations have resulted in me losing everything and being left with a mountain of debt and a broken body. All of that after earning hundreds of thousands of dollars over the past 13 years. It baffles me how it all happened. The bible speaks of “the devourer” in the book of Malachi, and Christians always say that it’s the devil. I can assure you that it is not. It is an economic principle that seems to only apply to those that God has called to worship him. I’m straying…back to surrender.
Surrender. I see now that I am blind. Interesting fact about the blind…they can’t see anything. A blind beggar called out to Jesus one day saying “Yashua! You are the son of David! Wait a minute, how would a blind homeless man who lived in Jericho, hundreds of miles away from where Jesus lived have knowledge of his genealogy? He didn’t, but he did know that God had promised that the kings would all be of David’s line, and that the messiah would be of David’s line, however, by that time, there would have been many sons of David. What the blind man was calling him was “the chosen king”, and he was acknowledging that the king of kings would have the authority to do whatever he pleased. So I go to surrender, to cry out to Jesus “if you have the will, then you can open my eyes!” what will I do if I can’t see? I won’t see unless you heal me.
I go to the wilderness because I know that I am called to. I go because Jesus did, john the Baptist did, Moses did, and Abraham did. I go because I have been cheated, and I have cheated myself out of an unspeakable intimacy with the one who is simultaneously every energy particle in the universe, and the one who spoke it all into existence. I go to hear his voice and learn about him from him. I renounce the kingdom of Pete, I renounce all man made religion and practice and I will be a clean slate for God to do his work.
It was prophesied over me years ago, “you will have nothing unless it comes from my hand” well here I am, so much wasted time later, I’ve got a busted back, broken knee, no friends, good health, a strong intellect and a terrible thirst for the life giving water. With $2500 to my name I will purchase gear for carrying water, keeping warm and dry. I go into the wilderness because if God wants to talk to me, then I must learn to listen now! I can’t fight anymore. I will walk and I will read, I will fast and I will pray. I will stay out there seeking until he tells me to return. Until he tells me what to do and where to go. I will stay out there until he tells me who I am, and that he is with me. Maybe he will have me build a multi-national company, or maybe he will have me clean toilets. Either way, I have come to a place where I can say with all my heart that “I don’t care”. If he is with me, like a father/loving husband, then it truly wouldn’t matter what financial state I’m in. if I got thrown in an Egyptian prison for preaching the gospel, then it wouldn’t matter because I think that his presence would keep me mesmerized in his beauty. I just know I’m right! I go to the wilderness to fall in love with God. God is love. Yashua means “God is salvation” and I will be saved/rescued if he will still have me. I go because the life of the flesh is death…not dying, not going to one day die…but it is death itself. I go to plead and beg for the life. I will offer my life as his possession. I will stay there until either he calls me whatever it is that I am supposed to be in him, or until I die. I’m not suicidal; I just can’t go on without him anymore. I need to know him; I need to know that he loves me and that I am valuable to him. I need to KNOW and not just believe.
As for now, this is what I believe. I believe that those who are called must answer in order to be chosen, and I believe that I am called.
I believe that if God grants you life, then that life can be nothing short of magnificent simply because that is the only way that God CAN do things.
I believe that nearly all of the men and women who lived magnificent lives did so penniless.
I believe that all of the rotten things I’ve done is the abuse that Jesus endured, and he did it so that the father wouldn’t turn his face away from me.
I believe that Jesus paid such a heavy price that all glory, all accomplishment, all boasting, all beauty, and all people belong to him, and to claim to follow him and not confess that he is the explanation for everything that you have and enjoy is a disrespect on a cosmic level.
I believe that if you want to know ABOUT God, then you should read your bible, and if you want to know God personally, then you have to go to him alone. YOU must cry out to him, and be so afraid of a life spent without him that it unsettles your soul. YOU must cry out and confess that you are blind and deaf, and realize that if he is not merciful to you, and heals your condition, that you will not see or hear.
I believe that God has made a way for us, and that the work is already done, and that all I have to do is accept it and approach, he’ll do the rest.
I believe and I confess that I cannot do anything at all to impress him or please him, but that the spirit of God must flow through me, speak through me if I’m going to be heard by the father. That he will have to walk and behave through me if my words and actions are to be acceptable in his sight.
I believe that as a mortal, it is impossible to be saved, but because of the love of God, it is miraculously possible.
I believe that we were born with biological life, but a stillborn spirit, and that the meaning of life is to obtain the life of the spirit, and commune with God. I will go.
I believe that the great apostasy is upon us now, and just like almost every other prophesy ever made, it looks completely different than the so called experts have imagined. It’s not happening by way of people ceasing to claim the faith, it is happening by more people claiming it and willingly being misled. There are so many pastors teaching that people are leaders, and that people need to obtain the status of leader, when the book of Hebrews is clear, Jesus is to be the only leader. Our only message, our only cleverly crafted theological lecture, our only impartation of wisdom must be this…”you absolutely must seek Jesus only for the answers. He paid dearly so that you can approach him, and he paid dearly so that the father would get all the credit and the glory.”
Any deviation from that message is leading people astray. You must seek Yashua. You must seek him in a panic, as if someone is trying to kill you in order that you would not find him, and there is someone trying to kill you to that end. His weapons are apathy, political indignation, sanctimonious comfort in your accomplishments, compromise, conformity, division, self-righteousness, adherence to a failed worldly system, double mindedness, ignorance and divorce. He is trying to kill you with these weapons and he is in your house right now, in the bathroom, right above the sink.
You had better cry out to the living God dead man.
The great apostacy is taking place with pastors standing up there with all eyes on them instead of Jesus, saying “if you want to see how good God is, then look at me” “let me tell you a story about me, or someone else that has the things that everybody seems to want”
Man, I tell you, that even if that truly is God blessing you, and not in fact the result of a great marketing strategy, then that is your arrangement with God. What if my arrangement is to be a penny-less hero like watchman knee? But no, what we get more and more is that money and level of attractiveness are the indicators of whether or not you are living an “abundant life”.
I literally hear pastors saying out loud over the pulpit that the primary concern of Jesus’s message was money, and they give entire sermons on that foundation. I hear pastor’s saying out loud that the vision of “their” church/corporation is to get more butts in the seats. That more people should come and listen to them. It is happening nationwide, and it is beginning to spread internationally.
There are churches that do missions in poor countries, then collect tithes from there, and then take that money out of the community, and return to the US with it. I am not making this up; it actually happens…a lot. It has so infected the mindsets of the people that it has become confusing to approach the question of where should I go and who should I listen to?
Oh wait…I know what to do; I will go and listen to the master. Then I won’t have to ask because he will lead me. I will seek the one Sheppard prophesied about in Ezekiel chapter 34. The one leader, the one who paid to be the leader.
Into the woods I go. I will seek until I find. Almost everyone I have told what I am about to do has spoken words of discouragement over me. They say “just come to my church, listen to me, we got it all figured out”. To that I say, so do the Catholics. “Sprinkle this water, eat this cracker, say some of the rotten shit you’ve done, recite this prayer and YOU’RE GOOD!”
The Mormons have it all figured out too, just ask them.
Pentecostals know for sure that God is with them, after all, they speak in tongues and flop around on the floor.
Southern Baptist have it nailed down…gosh I could go on all day on this concept. I explained it to a pastor the other day and guess what his response was. “I know you don’t believe me, but I am truly living the abundant life and I can teach you how”. Seriously, he said that right after I had just pointed out the arrogance of religion. Here is what was funny, or tragic, depending on how you look at it. In his explanation, he literally didn’t mention the name of Jesus even once! Pshshshsh! everyone has it all figured out. (My ass)
Christians can’t even figure out how to address Christian divorce, but they can go on all day about gay marriage. UNBELIEVABLE! Unreasonable. Our propensity for arrogance would be impressive if it wasn’t so repugnant. Where is the body of the bride? The unblemished bride?
Churches get a tax break for being a religious organization; however, in turn there are certain things that pastors are not allowed to discuss. Can I see this any other way than the government literally has them by the tongue? So, you can’t preach about divorce because of how quickly your seats will empty if you did, and you can’t talk about politics because then you would lose your tax break…so, money, and money.
Money money money money money! The sons and daughters of the living God cannot be bought. Enough of it! I will not hear that garbage anymore. There is a dying world out there, and the kingdom of heaven does not give considerations to the kingdom of darkness. If someone’s speech is something other than giving glory to the lord, and directing people to him, then no thank you. I already know the way, and do you want to know how I know for sure? Because Jesus said it! He said “I am the way!” I’ve got it all figured out!!! It’s just Jesus! He is the father and I am the son, he is the God and I am the man, he is the husband and we are the bride.
The level of one on one intimacy in scripture is profound and detailed. I will go to the almighty and be a vessel for his pleasure and his amusement. I will live my life in love and fascination with him, and if and when I re-enter society, I will have learned to do nothing but speak praises of the lord and speak praises to the lord. When people ask me what the answer is, I will give them the only acceptable answer, and to confess that I don’t know, but I know the one who does. When did it become fashionable to pretend that we know everything? Doesn’t it make sense that we should direct people to seek God on their own as opposed to trying to speak on behalf of an almighty, all knowing God?
I will show people the written promises and show them the clues to finding the right path to walk. I will tell them that the lord lives, but I won’t try to give the answers that only God is qualified to give.
It seems that there are three dilemma’s in the life of a mortal.
1) What should I do? What am I supposed to do? What path am I supposed to be on to get me to where I need to be?
2) How much of this is real? How do I make my way through the confusion and get to some solid ground?
3) How should I act? How can I fit in and find my place? Or how can I sustain pleasure in whatever environment I find myself in? You know…what does it mean to truly live?
Almighty God paid a terrible price to issue this assurance, that number one, “I am the only way, the only path.” Two, “I am the only one in possession of the absolute truth.” And finally, if you want to know what the meaning of life is, it is to be made alive, and “I am the life.” We are dead, and only Jesus can resurrect us. Jesus is the answer…to everything!
So I go into the woods, to be alone and undistracted from the cares of this world. There’s a good chance that this decision will cause my demise. I will welcome it if it be so. I don’t want to die, but I tell you that if I am condemned to spend the rest of my life without access to the affectionate love that the scripture speaks about, then death right now looks like a much less painful alternative then spending the second half of my life dragging on in this loneliness.
I started this writing with Pascal’s wager. To ask the question if/then what? If there is a God/ then what? If God is love/ then what? I ask out of sincerity. I ask out of the pain of life. It seems that a lot of people’s belief in God is just all in their head, and He has to be bigger than that. I don’t want to just believe. I want to know. I want to know him.
When I was not yet two years old, my mom and dad divorced. I was left without the love and affection, protection and instruction that everyone is entitled to. Instead I was left to the wolves. My whole identity is in the power of my anger. I can no more change it than I can grow my hair back. If there is a God/then I need him. I need him to be a father to me. I say “if” because all I can see around me are people saying that they know the almighty, and yet their lives would demonstrate that it is all in their heads. If scripture can mean whatever the hell you want it to mean, then either there is no God, or else most people do not know him. If there is a God, but he only speaks to his children on rare and special occasions, then I say “no thank you”, as I already have a father who does that. If there is a God who moves in power only to cause people to flop around on the floor and babel in indiscernible languages, but not to embrace the poor, or the sick, or the nation of fatherless children that are right outside of their stinking mega-churches or multi-churches, then I would say to you…your God is all in your head, a complete fabrication of your own imagination. If God only speaks to you through gut feelings or hairs’ standing up on the back of your neck, then it’s obvious…your God is a figment of your imagination.
If there is truly a God, then we are a figment if his imagination. The God of Abraham says that he will speak openly to us, and speak kindly. That God speaks of tending to us like a father. I must find out if it’s true. I wager my life that it is. I need to know the God who lives despite what I think about him. I need to live in the promises as he meant them, not what I can twist and distort them into. Scripture says that we were made for just one purpose and that is to worship him. I need to come into that purpose. I go into the woods because I need to talk with this God. If I’m honest, I will tell you that I don’t know him. My life is in ruin because I don’t know him. There are all of these promises and examples in scripture that give me the confidence that I am following the calling of God. I go to find the open arms of a loving father.
If there is a God/ then I need to find him
If there is a God/ then he can transform me.
If there is a God/ then all the power in the universe is at his disposal, including but not limited to, gravity, constantly exploding balls of fire in the sky, comets, galaxies, our eco-system…all of that power! God says that his focus is on me like I was the only person on the planet! Meditate on that for a second. What does that mean? What does a life look like if it is standing in the path of the voice of the one who spoke it all into existence? What would happen if God spoke to me? What would it do to me if he just spoke my name? Would I explode into a bunch of sub-atomic particles? Would I turn into a planet or a galaxy or something magnificent like that? No, I think I would be transformed into something better. I think the breath of his voice would blow away all of the hate and the anger, the guilt and the shame. Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if he spoke to me that it would correct the disease of my soul, and cause me to be known of him, and cause me to be the thing that nothing else in the universe can boast…a conduit of the all-powerful love of God!
I go to hear the sound.
I go to worship Jesus and find out if he will still accept my worship. This is my last chance. I have learned that if you put your whole life into anything at all, that two things will happen. One, you will be infinitely more successful than you could have imagined, and that two, it will not at all be like you thought it would be.
I have pursued money, women, status, and things and I got them all in abundance, but it was not at all like I thought it would be. In all sincerity and in all truth from my soul, I tell you that it’s all bullshit.
Because of the acts of a loving God, it all blew up in my face. I know that I am one of the called because of that fact. Now I go to join the ranks of the chosen. I have just enough strength and resolve for one more try. One more time of thrusting my whole life into an endeavor and this is it…to endeavor to put my whole life into loving God back. I owe it to him. He has gone through a lot of trouble to love me first and to make it all possible.
The love of the Christ compels me.
